i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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