Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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