he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
We were destined to go to rehab together
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
