Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
