What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Randomize
