you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
