i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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