Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
