I hate your face
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
