Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I forget how to act sober
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
