it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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