Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
