It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
