I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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