remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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