When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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