Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
