I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
