i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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