I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
