I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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