You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
