dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
