it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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