Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Randomize
