Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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