My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
My ATM looks so different sober.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
