There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
