I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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