God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
