We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
