Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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