I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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