remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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