I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Randomize
