Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
