You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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