I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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