Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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