census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
