wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
