Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
