totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
