I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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