Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
