yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
