omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I didn't notice because vodka
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
