Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
