my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize
