Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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