when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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